Fear and loathing of the “Cloud” in Las Vegas ’16

Day One Part One

To understand the trail of tears that was VMworld this year, we have to count Monday on a Fitbit, which clocked in at about 16,000 steps. An endless walk through the Mandalay Bay hotel between vendors telling me about new SSD drives I don’t care about, and more ways to keep VM’s inside my datacenter that management wants out.

Walking the halls, snippets of phone conversations are hard to miss. The good news I gathered from those calls was that multiple people with VMware employee badges have interviews with Amazon.

Good luck guys! Knock it outa the park.

Day one started with an odd whimper, a spoken word poem with “drum guy” on stage, and a walking marketing push by the CEO of Columbia sportswear. I don’t know what the guy did with VMware, but he had on some great hiking boots he told us about.

I slept through Michael Dell. Really, he’s got a great voice for that restful snooze. Good thing this is not North Korea, I would have been shot executed like Kim Yong Jin as an “anti-party and counter-revolutionary member”

The bad news is I suppose, I’ve started to truly become an anti-party and a counter-revolutionary member.

While I’m fairly sure Pat Gelsinger is no Kim Jong-un, I’m not sure my fellow vExperts this year might not tar and feather me.

We’ll see…

I’m typing this in my bunker (office) hiding behind bullet proof glass (my window) and stocking rations (S.Pellegrino anyone?). Command (my wife) has notified me shipments of additional rations (Clamato and vodka) may be delayed (she’s at Walmart right now), so we’ll how this plays out.

Fresh from the news that VMware will release cloud management tools, and listening to commentary from behind me which went something like this:

“If it works as well as NSX, we’re fucked” -Random VMware customer

I’m not too sure how excited I am…

If there is writing on the wall to be seen, someone at VMware missed it. Rolling down the highway right now at 80mph, VMware feels like a Tesla faced with a big white truck in the distance with an Amazon logo on it.

Depression is setting in folks, pray command (my wife) re-socks the bunker (office) soon.

Day One Part Two

I’ve slowly started to melt like Kevin Smith on stage in a jersey trying to hide the fat. Part of this is the cold sweat of fear as sessions start to give me a realization that there is nothing moving forward.

Most of it is just the fat.

I’ve started roaming the halls as I wait for my sessions to start, and it’s not a great vibe. Part of that might just be pre-show jitter, but i can’t help but get the feeling I’m watching a history show, not the future.

I decided to drop down to the show floor and see what’s happening there.

Splunk, where the hell were you this year? No new shirts… Damn…

OK, on to the EMC booth.

The President of VCE is on stage, he’s yelling out to the crowd “Who is excited for Fall Out Boy on Wednesday!” No one buddy… no one…

Oracle brought out Billy Joel, VMware trotted out Fall Out Boy.

I’m training to be a DBA.

Day 1 closer

I’m at a vendor event at Top Golf, I don’t know anyone, they don’t know me. Check in for these parties seems to consist of “I’m here, I have a VMworld badge” and you are escorted in.

I have my 2 drinks, eat some brie, and tap away for an Uber home.

16k steps later, it’s Percocet to sleep. God help me, someone beat my feet with straps. My wife took one look at me and sent me to bed, I know this has to be bad.

Day 1 post closer (2am)

Epsom salt works!