Je pense, donc je suis

Oh yes, let’s keep going shall we? If catharsis is achieved via self proclamation, I should be one of the most centered people you know.

Not exactly eh?

Ok, so why is Chris so damn pissed off?

A friend of mine decided to Google my last name, and started asking me about names. He asks me who Stephen is “it’s my father”, he asks me who Polly is “it’s my sister” he asks me who Steve is “it’s my brother”. He then asks me “What the hell happened to you?”.

Ya know, I don’t have a good answer to that. Last night as I was bothering to update this silly thing, I had a self pity party. I think therefore I am, what a crock of shit eh? You are not what you think you are, you are what you do. It’s possible you do what you are, but it’s a semantic I’ll have to ponder later.

The point is, if you are what you do, then I am nothing.

I work a dead end job 60 hours a week to pull in a joke of a check that barely feeds my wife and daughter. I look endless on monster and jobbing, only to get 1 call back out of over 100 resumes I send. I sit here now without even a car, borrowing my fathers to get back and forth from the dead end job, and for what…

Not much.

Gone are the glory days of French private schools and Cadillac’s. Gone are the days when my brother and sisters called me “the little prince”. Go fuck yourself folks, there aint much left here. I’m a 32 year old has been in my field, I can get a sys-admin job to save my life much less feed my family, and so far, I can’t find a way to go back to school on the damn grant I got since it pays no expenses aside from the school itself.

The pathetic part of this is, no one reads this silly blog, so what I’m effectively doing is screaming in a dark room with no windows and no door hoping the people in the shadows will hear me.

If a broke computer geek screams in the woods, and no one bothers to answer, is he alone?

I bet my ex-wife would get a kick out of this right now. I’m sitting in bed with my laptop, wife asleep next to me. I’m too tired to even fuck right now, but somehow I have the energy to type.

Fucking pathetic.

To cap the day off, I decided to call my school advisor who I haven’t spoken to in about 3 weeks. He let’s me know he’s been laid off, since they will no longer be actively selling MCSE’s to individuals at New Horizons anymore. Perfect.

Ok, so back to cleaning up the resume in hope I can find something that pays more than $12 an hour taking calls like a moron.

Thanks for calling SBC home networking, my name is idiot boy, can I get your DSL telephone number? Great! And is the name of the account Ignorant Fuck? Good deal. Let’s verify that phone number ok? Is it 213-555-1212? No? Ok, why did you enter that phone number? Oh, you saw that in a movie. Yes sir, that’s funny. Let’s get your real phone number.

What seems to be the problem?

No sir, we don’t support your digital camera. Yes sir, this is home networking. No sir, your digital camera has nothing to do with your DSL line. No sir, I promise you it does not. No sir, we don’t set up your printing either.

Sir, are you able to browse the internet right now?


Ok, that’s what we support here sir.

Yes sir, I understand you want your camera to work, but I’m sorry, we can’t help you with that. May I suggest you call the manufacturer of your camera? They keep hanging up on you? Yes sir, that would frustrate me as well.

You have a nice day.

On and on and on and on…

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One Response to Je pense, donc je suis

  1. miller says:

    it’s the return of the boom-bap!

    i think it was krs one who said that…though i could be mistaken, i was on meth the only time i heard that song.

    it’s so good to hear from you sir, it’s great to have you back amongst the living! welcome back to this sick, twisted little world of self-loathing i call life. =x

    ps. i have a story for you, suitable only for email…check yours shortly.

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